Why...

...can't I relax?

I'm on vacation and all I can think about is work: When will it start? What do I need to accomplish before it starts? What will I need to accomplish when it starts? What's going to be different/new/the same when I do start? How will I regain focus and motivation when it starts? How can I improve, what can I improve when I go back?

These are not proper vacationing thoughts. And then, when I start to think about how I'm wasting my precious brain juice on thoughts I shouldn't be having till next week I get angry with my self, which leads to a bit of depression, cause really? Who in their right minds gets angry with themselves on vacation? Then, in the midst of anger and depression, I try to pick myself up and get motivated to do something vacationy like going for a stroll or starting a project. But alas, upon doing so, something reminds me of work, or the lack there of, and I get anxious thinking about the how's and what's and where's of working again and then... well, you get it.
It's cyclical.
It's pissing me off.

I feel like I did really good during the first couple weeks of the vacation thing. And maybe that's it. Maybe I've just had enough. Maybe I'm just so ready to get back to the chopping block that it's all I can think about. But what if it's not? I have this fear that upon returning to reality I will no longer be fulfilled by prepping and firing and serving. That I'll hate it. Thus, causing a huge rift in my I'm-pleased-with-where-I'm-at life. I'm not ready for that. I have a plan for that moment but it's not quite set it's self into motion yet, so I really need to be pleased with what I've got right now.

I should probably read between my lines here and take a more serious approach to my onward-and-upward plan. But transition is tough. Having one full time job really seems to interfere with starting a different full time job. And taking that leap is scary. Falling short is scary. Then fear of failure/change keeps you settled and then... well, you get it.
It's cyclical. (I'm allowed to use that twice, I'm sure of it)

I think sleep is a wise next step here.
I made chili.
We'll talk about it later.